Christmas 2008

Gosh, what a difference a week or so makes...the last time I felt really good was really a couple of weeks ago, hard to remember. Suddenly, eating was difficult, breathing became difficult and I had a cough and a big old swollen gland, that they felt was leaning on my trachea and making breathing difficult. The clinical trial was cancelled, radiation of the gland/node was started the next day and the current nightmare was underway. They checked my blood at day 9 or 10 of radiation, and called me that evening from the MGH ER, telling me that I needed to come in and be admitted due to the totally out of control blood work numbers. I think Keith has gone into some detail regarding this, so I won't repeat, nor can I at this point....it has all become such a conundrum of some of the best medical minds around trying to get to the bottom of this. When I arrived here on Wednesday evening---Peg and Cam brought me---little did I know that it would be such an ordeal. I feel as if I have aged a good 15 years+ in the past week. It has been a difficult week, and as suspected, difficult to stay optomistic and upbeat when I basically feel like a piece of crap. I am unable to walk without assistance---do anything without assistance--YIKES. Anyway, hopefully I'll be heading home on Monday, after getting some nursing assistance in place and some PT accomplished before then to up my strength. I had a blood transfusion last night that I thought might give me more of a boast than it seems to have done, but....whatever I guess. I'm off to take a little nap, since I can barely keep my eyes open. Before I do that, let me just say that the care and compassion of those I have crossed paths with here at MGH--nurses, techs, physicians...has been exemplary and incredibile. I have a private room here that overlooks the city from the 20th floor, where the sun streams in in the morning. Keith has been with me since the morning after I got here and has stayed here with me every day and night. He has been my advocate in every phase of this and I would not have been able to do this without him, there is no doubt. It has been an honor and such a privilege to have him here, as we chat, discuss, cry, laugh, get things out on the table that must be addressed, talk about life, death and all that falls in between. It has been a blessing that has bloomed and grown and deepened and I am so grateful and thankful for this powerful gift.

Kristeen has held things together at home in Vermont during this Christmas season, with Maia--they've been on their own, sharing Keith with me down here in Boston, a tough time of year for all of this to be happening--they have truly given me the best gift--going with the flow and making this all work seamlessly (at least from my view!). They arrived on Tuesday night and are enjoying Christmas today in Plymouth at my home. Peggy is here with me today at MGH--bless her, she is the absolute best, giving up Christmas in Arizona with her children and grandchildren to be here with me...BFF are the best...

This afternoon my brother Ron, his wife Andrea and their daughter Mandy will come in for a visit, along with Keith, Kristeen and Maia. On Christmas Eve, last night--my sister Carole and her 4 were here, coming into the room singing as a dance troop, a Christmas melody....very wonderful to see and hear. I don't often get to see them all together too often anymore as the kids grow up and move on. It was so great seeing their joyous faces on the eve of a stressful day, but a day that usually brings the Christmas stress to an end and the actual enjoyment of the season is present. They brought me a great Patriots fleece blanket---I love it.

All right, enough is enough. My eyes want to close in the worst way....so I think I'll go with that.