Christmas 2008

Gosh, what a difference a week or so makes...the last time I felt really good was really a couple of weeks ago, hard to remember. Suddenly, eating was difficult, breathing became difficult and I had a cough and a big old swollen gland, that they felt was leaning on my trachea and making breathing difficult. The clinical trial was cancelled, radiation of the gland/node was started the next day and the current nightmare was underway. They checked my blood at day 9 or 10 of radiation, and called me that evening from the MGH ER, telling me that I needed to come in and be admitted due to the totally out of control blood work numbers. I think Keith has gone into some detail regarding this, so I won't repeat, nor can I at this point....it has all become such a conundrum of some of the best medical minds around trying to get to the bottom of this. When I arrived here on Wednesday evening---Peg and Cam brought me---little did I know that it would be such an ordeal. I feel as if I have aged a good 15 years+ in the past week. It has been a difficult week, and as suspected, difficult to stay optomistic and upbeat when I basically feel like a piece of crap. I am unable to walk without assistance---do anything without assistance--YIKES. Anyway, hopefully I'll be heading home on Monday, after getting some nursing assistance in place and some PT accomplished before then to up my strength. I had a blood transfusion last night that I thought might give me more of a boast than it seems to have done, but....whatever I guess. I'm off to take a little nap, since I can barely keep my eyes open. Before I do that, let me just say that the care and compassion of those I have crossed paths with here at MGH--nurses, techs, physicians...has been exemplary and incredibile. I have a private room here that overlooks the city from the 20th floor, where the sun streams in in the morning. Keith has been with me since the morning after I got here and has stayed here with me every day and night. He has been my advocate in every phase of this and I would not have been able to do this without him, there is no doubt. It has been an honor and such a privilege to have him here, as we chat, discuss, cry, laugh, get things out on the table that must be addressed, talk about life, death and all that falls in between. It has been a blessing that has bloomed and grown and deepened and I am so grateful and thankful for this powerful gift.

Kristeen has held things together at home in Vermont during this Christmas season, with Maia--they've been on their own, sharing Keith with me down here in Boston, a tough time of year for all of this to be happening--they have truly given me the best gift--going with the flow and making this all work seamlessly (at least from my view!). They arrived on Tuesday night and are enjoying Christmas today in Plymouth at my home. Peggy is here with me today at MGH--bless her, she is the absolute best, giving up Christmas in Arizona with her children and grandchildren to be here with me...BFF are the best...

This afternoon my brother Ron, his wife Andrea and their daughter Mandy will come in for a visit, along with Keith, Kristeen and Maia. On Christmas Eve, last night--my sister Carole and her 4 were here, coming into the room singing as a dance troop, a Christmas melody....very wonderful to see and hear. I don't often get to see them all together too often anymore as the kids grow up and move on. It was so great seeing their joyous faces on the eve of a stressful day, but a day that usually brings the Christmas stress to an end and the actual enjoyment of the season is present. They brought me a great Patriots fleece blanket---I love it.

All right, enough is enough. My eyes want to close in the worst way....so I think I'll go with that.

my arsenal is not only in the form of medicine....

Well, almost another week has gone by--the radiation treatments continue, I have 5 more to go. They are totally sapping my energy...what little I have left. Last night, I couldn't sleep, who knows why....but it was a long night. Peg and I went to MGH for the treatment and by the time I got home, I was just about comatose...just really done in, partially from not sleeping and also from the radiation. The sofa, my new BF, is where I spent the afternoon, snoozing and napping, actually a very pleasant way to spend the time. These days, it is those things that bring comfort and joy---getting real rest, eating something that actually tastes pretty good, feeling halfway decent for a good part of the time, and spending lots of times with family and friends--I've had a houseful and it has been great...better than great.

Keith left on Sunday, after being here for 11 days...I don't know what I'd have done without him...so unobtrusively helpful, wise, caring and loving. We got to have some serious talks, explored issues that must be spoken of, was able to come to some conclusions that needed to be reached, he played his guitar and sang to me, we laughed and we cried. It was the best of times...

It's hard to believe that Christmas is 10 days away. Everyone scurrying around trying to get their "thing" done, and in the midst of that, coming by to see me, calling, emailing, blog commenting, dropping by "goodies"... the timing of this little setback was not exactly timely. Peggy came from AZ and will miss Christmas with her family out there...The job search for Heather continues...just trying to get her signed up for services is challenging. Hopefully, by the end of this week, it will be totally underway. Heather is enjoying her time at home with Sydney (and Ralph of course:), but I think she will be happy with more to do.

All right, I'm off to bed, for either another wrestling match with the bedclothes or some needed sleep, hopefully the latter. I sleep with the oxygen, but my breathing is really quite a bit better. I'm on a steroid now, which also may interfere with good sleep. It's a crapshoot--never seem to know what kind of night it'll be, but the following day is totally dependent on it---that's how it seems anyway. The nodes that they are treating in my neck are definitely smaller today---I thought so yesterday also, but today--definite. So, a glimmer of hope that this thing is shrinking and getting ready for the next systemic chemo treatment, which will start after the first of the year....that's the plan at the moment anyway. Well, there seem to be no absolutely definitive plan at the moment...we're fighting this thing with the arsenal that is currently available and hoping and praying that one will work. For now, it is how it has to be....I have my days when I think in shorter terms than on other days, but for the most part, I'm still in there for the long-term fight...and am looking for more weapons to fight with.

another harrowing week...made easier....

Thank you to all for your notes, your blog comments, emails, facebook wall comments, phone calls, long drives, flights across the country, your caring and your love that has surrounded me as these new challenges arise.

I met Keith last Thursday morning at MGH at the Radiology Oncology unit. I got mapped and what-not and had the treatment. The next day we met with Dr. Efstathious--let's just call him Jason, and he described the plan and the additions he had added to the consent form. He and Michaelson had gone over the scan again and decided to expand treatment to include some of the chest where there were nodes also. He was very thorough and detailed in his explanation and also went over the potential side effects. I was so glad Keith was there--a phrase I have continued to say over the past 6 days...it has been a joy for me, of course, and he has been such a help. They mapped the area again, which again took about 45 minutes of agony on the table---you can't move a muscle, and my back was again killing me. But anyway, the second treatment was accomplished and we went home. On Friday, at the third treatment, they again did extra pictures---I keep waiting for the quick visit they keep promising....finally happened on Tuesday. After Friday's visit, Keith and I actually did a little Chrismas shopping, had lunch at Panara and headed home. On Sunday, I had an appointment for Reiki, which was very helpful and relaxing, kind a a redirection of energy, massage, etc. Keith had lunch with his Dad during that, and then Keith and I headed over the Brenda's and watched the Patriots game against Seattle...we left before half-time--I was just tired and out of energy and out of breath. We watched a John Adams chronicle that I had taped--it was great. On Monday, treatment (each day at 10:40am, no treatment on the weekends), I had an appointment with the chiropractor, who worked a bit on my sciatic problem. It really seemed to help. MGH has me on oxycontin for the pain in the abdomen/sciatic nerve/back. It has been extremely helpful, as I have been unable to get at all comfortable in bed, enough to get any sleep, so I've been a walking zombie--more than usual...Keith and I met with Kara, the RNP on Monday--she came over from Yawkey to see us. She observed that the node in my neck was bigger, and that I was struggling even more with catching my breath. She added a steroid to the mix, hoping that it would help with the inflammation in my neck. Keith had emailed her on Sunday afternoon regarding my issues, and she emailed him back around midnight, telling him what she was putting in place. By Monday evening, I had arrangements for a visiting nurse (she came today), and oxygen had arrived and I was plugged in by Monday night. She also had the talk with me about life support and DNR issues. This woman is great. Kristeen and Maia arrived on Monday night also. Maia is staying at Kristin and Chris's in RI and gets to have an overnight with her sweet cousin, Addison tonight. They are great little friends and are having a blast together. Today got off to a harrowing start with constipation issues caused by the oxy, and other things. Heather and Keith both went in with me--finally for a short visit....we got stuck in traffic and I was so uncomfortable in the car, I just didn't know what to do with myself, but blessedly in not too long, I was back home, and feeling better.

I'm off to bed now, the eyelids are getting very heavy. It's hard to believe I'm so worn-out, with everyone waiting on me, and me not lifting a finger. Thank God for family and friends...not sure how I would have gotten through this....

More later.....

An Update....

Well, it's been a long couple of weeks....I have not felt well, not even well enough to update this blog. I'm weary, short of breath, coughing, have had acid reflux to a ridiculous degree, my back is aching, and I have a swollen gland in my neck, that I've had for 2 weeks.....all right, enough complaints, but that's what's been happening.

I wrote to my oncologist and his RNP this past Monday, suggesting that maybe we should give me a "break" from the treatment, as I was feeling crappy and had these issues going. When I got there on Tuesday, with Brenda, they took one look at the gland and said--no chemo today. It was quite large at this point, so they conferred, and sent me for a CT scan of the chest and neck. They had me wait for the radiologist to read it and then sent me home. Kara, the RNP called at 8:30 the next morning and said that the lymph node was surrounded by necrotic (dead) tissue--the fact that it was dead was a good thing....but that there were cancer cells there also. She said that it had to be treated immediately by radiation, and had an appointment for me that afternoon with the radiology oncologist, as well as an appointment for another CT scan of the stomach. The CT scan folks balked at the idea of doing another scan in less than 24 hours from the last one, because of me having only one kidney, and the dye is processed through the kidney. Anyway, after much consultation, they finally did it without the dye, read it, and decided that they could see what they needed to see.

It was a long day--I was glad to have Brenda there with me on both days. We didn't get home until close to 7pm. The radiologist outlined the plan, consents were signed, and the appointment was made for the next day--today--for mapping the treatment and doing the first treatment. Keith called last night and said he wanted to come down---I discouraged him from doing so, because...well, I just didn't want him to go to all that trouble, which of course, is not trouble to him, it's kindness and love. So, we met at MGH this morning and we went to the appointment for the mapping. It took about 45 minutes or so, and at the end they "tatooed" 5 places on my neck and chest. The doctor explained that he and Dr. Michaelson had discussed and reviewed my scans the night before and decided that the treatment should include the chest area, where it showed new nodes that were potentially pressing on the esosphagus and other tissue, causing the shortness of breath and the cough.

We had a 2 hour wait after that, before the actual treatment, so we went over to see Kara and Dr. Michaelson. They went over the newest scans with us...they are completely baffled that only 5 weeks ago my scan showed that the nodes were shrinking, and now, they are growing. He said that I had been on the most aggressive treatment available, that I shouldn't think that I hadn't done enough. He has taken me off the study completely, as the drugs are not working. They both expressed that they are nervous about this latest turn of events, that this cancer is very aggressive...not a word that we wanted to hear. I was SO glad to have Keith there with me, to be with me, to ask questions, to assimilate the information. We headed back to MGH, from Yawkey, for the radiation, which was painless and fine. There may be some side effects, but not right now...I'll go with that.

So....that's the news from here. Not good news. I was telling my sister, Carole, earlier--the most difficult part of this whole thing was getting the original diagnosis. I have lived with it for awhile, it has settled in, I have been living my life knowing it, and have accepted it as part of my life....this takes it to another level for sure---I will no longer be in denial. But I am not giving up..I will continue to live and fight the battle as best I can. I do know that my optomism got me through those first dark days, and I will call on it again to help give me strength to fight the good fight. Thanks to all---for the prayers, good thoughts, karma--whatever works, I'll take it....

a rough week...

Wow, where does the time go. Got home from Disney on Sunday, Nov 9th and here it is a week and a half later already. We had a grand time at Disney, it was fun having the kids all there. We had our company party at the China Pavillion at Epcot...it was so fun having the little China doll, Maia there with us. I introduced her to Brent, an owner of ASCOA, and she told him that she was born in China, the real China, not the fake China....she's a hoot. Disney was great, but it's somewhat sensory overload for little kids. Heather and Ralph had a grand time for themselves, had lunch with Mikey and friends, and spent a lot of time in the Magic Kingdom and Epcot. The conference for work went well, but it was pretty exhausting, up every morning at 5am to get down in time to see that everything was in order, etc. It was nice to get home on Sunday night and relax.

On Tuesday, I went in to MGH to start Round 5. I took Heather with me---she had been laid off from her job at the Boston law firm on the day before, which was pretty traumatic for her. Heather is very nurturing and this was a good opportunity for her to be that, and to give her a visual of what happens on infusion day.

On Thursday, I wasn't feeling very well at work and headed home early. I had a temp, so took some Tylenol and hit the sack early. In the morning, Friday, I had a very sore swollen gland and the fever was at the point where I have to call MGH, so I did and they sent me over to Jordan Hospital to have blood drawn. MGH called later in the afternoon and said that the numbers were all good, that I must be fighting a bug. I basically was a couch potato all weekend, with zero energy...going up the stairs was a huge effort. The fever was up and down all weekend, finally settling down to normal on Sunday afternoon. The only productive thing that happened over the weekend was that I got my laundry done! Also, on Saturday, I had lunch down at the Waterfront with a bunch of gals that I used to work with--there were about 12 of us there I think. It was very fun seeing and visiting with everyone again. I almost cancelled--it had been such an effort to get ready, that I didn't know if I had any energy left to actually go, but I did go and was so glad that I did....

Went in to MGH on Tuesday for Day 8 infusion. Bloodwork again came back great. Kara could still feel the swollen gland, but the soreness is totally gone. She considered cancelling the infusion for the day, but since my bloodwork was good, we decided to proceed....thank goodness--I don't want to get off-schedule and off-track. During the infusion, a nutritionist came by, probably triggered by the fact that I'd lost 5 lbs in a week, but I'm sure I'll find them...haha, or more likely that they'll find me! Anyway, her first question was, how are you getting your protein? DING DING DING---Protein??? Hadn't even given protein a thought of late. After speaking with her, it became obvious that I'm not doing well in this area. We came up with a plan, and I stopped at Whole Foods (really an effort in my current state!) and I got some supplies.

So, I feel better that I think we have this total lack of energy thing figured out. Not just a total lack of energy, but an effort to do the slightest thing! It's such a vicious circle---no appetite to motivate me to put a decent meal together, no energy to do it, and it tastes not great anyway, with the metallic taste in my mouth!...and on top of that...if I eat too much I have heartburn and acid reflux from the chemo....YIKES! No wonder I lost 5 lbs! But, even with that said, I know I'll feel so much better when I'm back on track--I feel much better just knowing that I'm on my way to being back on track.

So....onward and upward.

slacker....

I'm leaving tomorrow for Orlando, where our ASCOA conference will be held. I have been really busy getting ready for this. We have have 105 attendees coming...times have changed from the days when we had 25 attendees. Growth! I shipped off 13 boxes today, and 4 were shiped yesterday...it's always a bit of a stressful time for me, hoping that I've remembered every detail, and there are many details to make this work. Well, time will tell...but the stress has started!

Heather, Ralph, Keith, Kristeen and Maia are all coming down to Orlando with me. Well, H & R are flying down with me tomorrow, and K, K & M are arriving on Friday morning. It should be a fun time, especially when the conference ends on Saturday at 12:15. One fun thing that we are doing is... the company party is going to be at Epcot on Friday night. We will have dinner in the Great Hall of China, with acrobats, an origami expert, and a dragon dance. Then we'll go to Italy for dessert and fireworks in America. What fun to have Maia there, who was, as she says, "Nana, did you know that I was born in China?" She's the best. That will be so fun, and fun hanging with my "fam" all together. I can't wait.

Today, I went to see a vascular surgeon about the purple, swollen vein in my leg. He thinks it is a superficial flibitis, but sent me to SSH for an ultrasound to rule out DVT, deep vein thrombosis, which is a real problem. But my deep veins were fine...good thing, I don't think they would have let me fly tomorrow if I had DVT. Yikes....that would have been a problem.

So, I'm off off to Florida, and will be back on Sunday night, so won't be blogging for awhile, not that I've done too well lately...slacker am I....But I've had to get ready for Florida! I'm on my off-week right now with the meds, I'll start the 5th round of the clinical trial next Tuesday. It's nice to be off the meds, the taste in my mouth is pretty awful and food is just not awfully appetizing right now...hopefully, that will improve this week, while I'm off the meds.

a beautiful day in New England...

It's Sunday, a spectacularly beautiful day here in the East...it reached 70 degrees today, simply incredible. It was very windy here last night, and driving up Route 3 today, it was quite noticeable how "naked" the trees are becoming. In another week or two, there will be few leaves remaining intact on the trees. But the winter, the bare trees, and of course, the snow...have their own beauty and it's fun to start the "hunkering down" process. I removed Spring, Summer and Fall from the porch today, and readied it for the cold that is on its way to beautiful New England.

Some folks were distressed at my last post, the portion that talked about my diagnosis, prognosis and potential outcomes that the doctors have given me. Let me just say this....I am so optomistic about my situation, that I have to actually remind myself at times (the slam) what the reality is....that is not to say that I'm planning on that reality...but I cannot completely ignore it...that would be setting myself up for a huge fall, depending on where this goes. So, with that said, believe me, while my boat gets rocked occasionally, I do not and will not spend my days or nights dwelling on this. My life feels pretty normal and joyful, as always.

On Thursday, at work, I was freezing--had the heat turned up, coat on, couldn't get warm. I thought I had a fever again, but I did not. I decided that it was a symptom of the low iron, so I shopped for some high iron foods and went about my business. On Friday, I did not go to work--I was just truly fatigued and ended up sleeping away most of the day. Heather came down on Friday night and stayed over, I put streaks in her hair, and everything I did seemed like a huge chore...just no energy. On Saturday morning, we got up and out the door around 8:30, after having had a good breakfast, again trying to fight the fatigue with fuel. We went to Kohl's and while we were in the dressing room, I actually had to lay down on the floor because I thought I was going to pass out. Yikes, it was like I was just completely out of gas. Poor Heather, she's trying on clothes and I'm laying on the floor telling her not to worry, it's just the medicine. And it is---the gemcitabine is definitely working on me--b r i n g-i t-o n.....but is making me have these few problems. I soon recovered and we were on our way. Went to a baby shower in the afternoon and a movie at night with Carole--"The Secret Life of Bees"...loved the book, loved the movie. Another slight problem is the taste in my mouth---metallic I guess, seems to get worse with each round of meds. It definitely effects the taste of food. But these issues are pretty insignificant in comparison to the "knock 'em dead" chemo that many patients have to endure. So...I am not complaining, just explaining what's happening. Other than a few bumps in the road, really small bumps, I'm doing really, really great.

Woo Hoo--Houston we have shrinkage.....

OK, went to MGH yesterday to start Round 4 of the clinical trial, but more importantly to get the results of the CT scan that I had last week. Kara, the RNP came right out into the waiting room to get me (it's always been the tech to the the vitals first), and Kara said that she'd been anxiously waiting for my arrival---that it was really good news. We sat at her computer in the exam room and she brought up the result, which showed that out of the 6 nodes that they are watching and measuring, one in my neck had totally disappeared, the other one got significantly smaller. The 4 in my abdomen also all shrunk significantly, some more than others, but the report says that all lesions are decreasing in size, with no new lesions. I think Kara was even more excited than I...she was so delighted to be giving me good news. She read an email to me that she received from Dr. Michaelson, who was at a conference (learning more about how to combat this disease, hopefully!), and he said to tell me that this is very good news and that I'm off to a great start. That felt great to hear that from the "big guy", as they call him in there, (tallish, but very thin), but huge in knowledge, treatment and compassion.

Kara gave me copies of a summary of everything that has gone on to take to my new PCP today, a copy of the measurements of the nodes from last time to this time, and a copy of my bloodwork...I am bordering on being anemic--if it goes much lower, I'll have to be treated. She couldn't believe I'd climbed Snake Mountain on Sunday with Keith, Kristeen and Maia..... Anyway, I was reading the summary while she went out for my new meds, and at the end of the summary it said, "She understands that this (biopsy of lymph nodes) represents incurable metastatic disease, which is likely to progress to life threatening complications. The sarcomatoid histology is suggestive of a potentially aggressive disease course."

Well, there is the big slam again....I have metastatic renal cell carcinoma, lest I forget. While I am thrilled that the nodes/lesions are getting smaller---I have to continue on the course of staying battle ready and I need to up the training. Now is no time to be a slacker. This disease is not for sissies, and I don't plan on being one....

Ok, enough for now--I'm off to see my new PCP.

CT scan...

OK, round 3 is done and I'm on my off week....no drugs, hallelujah. Not that I'm not extremely grateful for the drugs....I just know that are doing not all good things to me--I just hope they're working on the culprit.

I went for a CT scan yesterday. It was uneventful, but now the waiting begins, which is the difficult part. I'm very hopeful, and am trying to stay totally positive, but at the same time, every eventuality is running through my brain---of what the result of the CT scan might show. I feel that I have to do that and cover every result, good or bad, that I might be given-- in order to prepare myself and not be blindsided by the news.

So....it's a slippery slope that I'm walking right now, keep up the good thoughts, prayer, karma....
I'm seeing Michaelson on Tuesday....I'll let you know....

it gives and it takes, but the gives are winning....

Well, on Saturday, October 12th, it will be 7 months from when I had my surgery....it's hard to believe that it's been that long....As I think back over these past months, as I can't help but do---it makes me realize that, while there have certainly been challenges (most that I have not even met yet, and hopefully will not have to be put to that test), but more importantly are the subtle changes that having this culprit lurking in the periphery, bring about. I think back to the days when I couldn't stop crying--I hardly ever cry, but receiving the Stage 4 diagnosis was...difficult. For days and weeks after that, I would easily get weepy, but finally pulled myself together and have moved on. Of course, tears are healing, needed and helpful, but I don't like trying to function in that mode, and it makes it nearly impossible to stay hopeful and optimistic, so I go there rarely, get over it and move on. For me, that is what works.

I was at MGH yesterday for infusion day, and there was a gal there that I had seen in the opposite bed/lounger last week. She was having an infusion also, but into a port that had been inserted into her chest. Yesterday, she came in to the waiting room at MGH, without her wig, wearing a pink shirt and pink Red Sox cap over her bald head. She was weepy and emotional, saying that it was her last infusion day....she was so excited to move on. Hopefully, this chapter of her life is done, but the chapters to come will, most likely, be enriched for what she has been through.

Keith told me months ago that living with this was not going to be all bad--that it would alter my life in many incredible ways--and he is so right---how did he get so smart, sensitive and introspective? As I have been forced to deal with this, I have found that I actually can make a commitment and stick to it, that I have have dug down and found more optomism and hope hidden away than I thought was possible, that I have the energy to research this stuff and make intelligent decisions (hopefully), that I am able, most of the time, to not feel sorry for myself--most everyone I come in contact with most likely has serious life issues, many worse than mine, so I haven't wasted time asking "why me". Well it is me, and I have to go forward, not back. "Go Forward"---I've worn this Superman dogtag for years now, from way before this happened. It is from the Christopher Reeve Foundation. I starting wearing it because I so admired the way they lived their lives in the face of such adversity...with such grace and humility. I still wear it--it reminds me every day to.....go forward...that this culprit is what it is, and I have to deal. If I can emulate them even a little bit, in the way they lived, I will consider it a victory.

Cancer can't take away my spirit, it can't take away my hope, my joy and happiness or my laughter---unless I let it, and that's not in the plan. (Someone please remind me of this if the going gets tough). Up to this point, it has given more than taken away....it has given me a wake-up call. It has made me stronger, it has made me sit up and take notice of the small things that I had been taking advantage of, it has made me really feel and be aware of the love and support from my family and friends and has made me feel so grateful and thankful for it all, it has made me realize that....well, that I have a l-o-n-g way to go, many things to work on, and there's a lot of life to be lived. I won't list these things, as I have written a novel as usual. This was going to be a short post....whoever knew I was so bloody wordy!

Confessions....

Before I get to that.....I was in NY again this past weekend. I haven't been in NY for years, and now two weeks in a row. My niece, Katie (the gal that just spent 10 weeks in Italy), landed a job in the fashion industry on Seventh Avenue and started her job on Monday. On Sunday afternoon, we were moving her into her apartment in Brooklyn! YIKES. She is sharing it with two guys--they were great...they've been friends since they were 7 years old and they grew up in Brooklyn. They work in Manhattan also, do not own cars, and really know the neighborhood. We left at 9:30am and got home around 9pm. It took about the same amount of time that it takes me to drive to Burlington VT to see K, K and M, but the drive to NY is not nearly as easy or as scenic...Route 89 to Vermont is just a great ride, the scenery is spectactular, the road is usually quite empty, and of course, the final destination is always the best! The drive to NY???? Well, not so good, although Connecticut is nice, but gets dicey in places, then you hit NY and the scenery becomes not so nice. NY is a beautiful state, no doubt...we just were not in those beautiful areas. We were headed to Brooklyn and went by Shea Stadium where they were playing their last game of the season...and lost. And the weekend before, we had gone by Yankee Stadium, where they were also in their last weekend of play---both stadiums were being torn down after those weekends....weird.

Started my 3rd round of the clinical trial yesterday...it was uneventful pretty much. And I slept pretty well last night, which I don't usually do on infusion day. My bloodwork was excellent with no decline in my WBC. I saw Kara, the RNP and the clinical trial gal, Carol. I went into more detail about my diet. They ended up being supportive and saying to go for it, but didn't see any reason why I shouldn't have mac' an cheese if I felt like it now and again. They seemed to be more concerned that I'm enjoying what I'm eating (which made me a little nervous)...than what I'm putting into the body. Western medicine.....geesh! However, they were very supportive and we all agreed that it was a good thing, certainly was not going to hurt anything---well, of course not! I realize that I'm not a total vegan---my holistic oncologist told me that I should eat a few eggs a week, so, I am making allowances--a true vegan does not eat eggs. My thought process certainly has to be that this diet is helping me...that is what is keeping me on this track. I have to look at this positively and picture that the good stuff going in is what will keep the bad stuff from multiplying. I picture it as PacMan (dating myself) as the good food, is eating up all the bad cells. Simple, naive..maybe, postitive...always.

Ok, back to the confessions. I haven't been walking regularly, jumping on the trampoline, or doing weights and I also haven't signed up for yoga (guilt). I said I was going to do all these things and I did for a week or so well, not yoga, then....I don't know, life happens. I really should be able to do these things without letting other things in the way. But, alas, I just can't seem to get those endorphins in place when I need them...which is before I start! Well, maybe my plan was just too ambitious to start with (excuse). If I can do something 3 days a week, that would be more doable and practical....the good news is (there always has to be good news) that I have been doing my green smoothie and taking some vitamins. I purchased a heavy duty blender, BlendTec....(it can blend up a cell phone), and I am having a green smoothie every day. It's a bit time consuming, but I make enough for 2 days, each about 30-32 oz. They include kale, bok choy, parsley, cucumber, collard greens and whatever fruit I have on hand--banana, apple, blueberries, strawberries, nectarine...the fruit makes it edible....yes, you actually have to "eat" it, by moving it around in your mouth in order for the siliva to play its important part in digestion. So, takes awhile to get down. I also add a 1/2 cup of ground flaxseeds and 2 tbsps of green veggie powder. I figure I'm getting about 15 servings of veggies and fruits a day from this. That can't be bad. Notice I'm spending more time on the things I AM doing than the things I'm NOT doing!

So, I'm trying to get my head back in the right place again. Maybe I should work with a professional trainer, or even better....a life coach that could work on my head as well!

New York City

Wow, the NYC experience is a wild one....we arrived on Friday afternoon on the Bolt Bus--we were dropped off at 34th and 8th Avenue. Our hotel was on 40th, so we grabbed a cab (could have walked, but we had our luggage). The cab situation in NYC is crazy...it seems as if there are 15 yellow cabs for every 1 car...and if the light is green...and you're a pedestrian---watch out! If you're a passenger, just hold on for dear life. Yikes...they fly though the lights like you wouldn't believe, trying to make it through while still green...and legal. On our very first cab ride, our driver hit the van in front of us--really quite a bump which caused bad words to come out of Peggy's mouth, but the van driver never even got out to check the damage....very interesting. Our hotel was on the 15th floor with a view of....another building. But it was a nice place, close to Times Square and in Mid-town, which is where we wanted to be.

On Friday night we traveled up to 79th street. The travel time in a cab going from 40th to 79th is about 2 minutes---they drive like maniacs, dropping their fares as fast as humanly possible to clear their cab for another fare...yikes. We ate at a totally vegan restaurant called Candle 79. It was really a lovely place and the food was terrific...we all enjoyed it.

On Saturday morning, we took a bus tour of Uptown. The tour guide was a friend of Mary's sister's, and he'd lived in the city for his whole life--his parents and grandparents had also---a true New Yorker. He has never owned a car, has never had a lawn or mowed a lawn. He thinks that crickets are annoyingly loud...he was hilarious. He really knew his stuff about the city and made it really fun. We saw the Dakata building, where John Lennon lived and was killed, Central Park, Harlem, the Apollo Theatre, lots of wonderful architecture, a church that is so big that the entire Statue of Liberty could fit inside of it without touching the top. He pointed out the buildings where famous people lived...it was a gorgeous day and a very fun and informative tour. After that, we walked to Rockefeller Center---and went to the "Top of the Rock", the observation tower overlooking the entire city. Wow, it was really great being able to see the Hudson and East Rivers, Central Park, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, the Bronx, Staten Island, Brooklyn, Queens....the views were spectacular. We had wanted to have lunch at The Boathouse in Central Park, but the wait was long, so we opted for Tavern on the Green...an expensive lunch that was not very good, but what the heck, it was Central Park/NYC, so it was fun, but I was wishing we'd opted to wait for a spot at The Boathouse. We took a walk around the park for awhile---very busy and loaded with bikers, roller-bladers, a german festival--very fun and festive goings-on. We then headed to Times Square to check out 1/2 price tickets for a broadway show. We got into a very l o n g line of people doing the same thing, and surprisingly enough--the line moved very quickly and we had ourselves 1/2 price tickets to "Hairspray" at 8pm. The show turned out to be great---it starred George Wendt (Cheers) as the mother--and he rocked! Very fun, great music, great seats.

On Sunday morning, we checked out of the hotel, but had them hold our bags, went to breakfast and shopped around Macy's (huge!) and a few other spots. Went back to get our luggage and headed out on the bus around 2:15. It took over an hour just to get out of the city. There were people everywhere and traffic was gridlocked. Made it back to Boston around 7:15pm and at South Station, found that Mary's car had a flat tire. Spent about 90 minutes waiting for AAA, and finally headed home.

It was a really fun weekend in New York. It's a great walking city, although a bit dirty. It's laid out on a grid, and every street and avenue is very well marked, so it was super easy to figure out where we were and where we needed to be. I wouldn't want to live there, but it sure was a fun place to hang out for a few days with great friends...just doesn't get any better than that!

Second round continues.....and off to NYC!

I went for the infusion on Tuesday, all went well. And today is Thursday and I didn't wake up with a fever, as I had last Thursday. I had trouble sleeping though on Tuesday and Wednesday nights....which means was a short day at the office today...my couch kept calling my name for a nap!

I'm going to NYC tomorrow morning with Peggy and Mary, coming home on Sunday afternoon. We are going to take the Bolt Bus, which is run by Greyhound, and is in competition with the FungWah bus....it's $35 round trip instead of $30 on the FungWah, well worth the extra $5, you actually arrive in NYC with your life intact! The horror stories about the FungWah trips to NYC are legendary around here. We're going to eat at a vegan restaurant on Friday night, called Candle 79...I just looked at their menu online and it looks really interesting and wonderful. On Saturday, we're going to do a "hop-on/hop-off" bus tour and try to have lunch at The Boathouse in Central Park. The rest we will play by ear....maybe see a play, maybe not, do some shopping, and just be in New York and soak up the fascinating culture than defines NY...

Round 2...

On Tuesday, I started round 2 of the chemo treatment. Peg and I went in to MGH and I had the infusion. I saw Dr. Michaelson very briefly, but my bloodwork was not back yet, so they didn't have anything to go on. I emailed Kara, the RNP, the next day and asked her about the results of my bloodwork, and she said that I was a rockstar, that it was top notch....nice to hear. Went to work the next day and felt fine. That night, while sleeping, I felt cold...odd, since there were no windows open...I finally made myself get up and pull up the quilt...I then started shivering violently under the quilt and ended up with a massive headache. I took some aspirin and went back to sleep, but felt pretty awful in the morning and didn't go to work. I took my temperature around noon and it was 102.5, which didn't seem too bad, but they had told me to call if I had a fever, so I did. They wanted me to go to MGH! Yikes...I really didn't want to do that. So, Kara told me to take 2 Tylenols, which I had just done, and to call her back in two hours. Two hours later, the fever was down. She told me to see what happened in 6 hrs....well, in 6 hrs the fever was back to 102.5, so I put cold compresses on my forehead, and went to bed around 9, after taking 2 Tylenols. All was well this morning, temperature has been pretty much normal, it went up a bit, but not too bad. I spoke with Kara today, and she said that the fever could be from the infusion, that the Gemcitabine can cause a fever, but they are more worried about infection, with my white blood cell count being lower now. She said that 100.5 is the point at which I need to get my blood checked and that I could go to Jordan Hospital to get it done. That was really good news, since it's just a mile or two down the street from where I live....I've been pretty wiped out today also, just no energy. Tody, I also spoke with my niece, Robin, who is a pedi nurse at Maine Medical, and she explained to me how serious fevers can be when one has cancer....it was a great heads-up, so, I will keep a watch on that.

But....I did have energy on Monday. Took myself and my roller blades to the beautiful Cape Cod Canal. I haven't been on them for 3-4 years, so it was with some trepidation that I put them on, waiting until there was no one looking (I'm so weird-like anyone would care), and off I went. I went almost all the way between the Sagamore and Bourne bridges and back. It was very fun and I was happy to be on them again, flying along with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. I have to do it again...the canal is perfect because it is quite flat. Keith tells me that there's an obscure little bike trail up in Colchester, and Maia would be able to ride her bike along with us...now that will be fun.

a rainy Saturday...

I actually love a rainy Saturday...once in awhile anyway. It feels like a license to...have a lazy day and do odd stuff. It was a stay-at-home day for me and I worked on getting organized...I came upon 4 or 5 recipe books that are vegetarian/vegan--I didn't even know I had some of them. I spent some time looking through them...they are filled with wonderful sounding recipes. I'll have to get Keith to help me figure out how to get them on this blog thing. I also made a calendar/schedule for tracking the following: vitamin taking, doing my veggie drink, walking, weights and trampoline. These are the things that I need to be doing on a regular basis, and I can too easily get off track...well, I'm not even on-track yet, but I'm working on it...

All right, I'm off to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes and jump on the trampoline for a bit. Gotta be able to check those off on my new schedule!

Labor Day musings.....

Wow, what a fabulous Labor Day weekend we experienced here in the East. Blue skies, sunshine and warm breezes were how we got to spend our days. Keith, Kristeen and Maia came down and we spent a day at the beach....what fun it was...the ocean was warm enough for swimming and they all went in and swam in the usually chilly Atlantic. We also made sand castles, of course, and walked the awesomely gorgeous Long Beach in Plymouth. We did back to school shopping, walked to the waterfront for ice cream (not me!), and saw the goings-on of the Iron Man Triathalon event, and just enjoyed each other and the last long summer weekend.

Since our meeting with Malynn, the holistic MD/oncologist in Connecticut, K & K have decided to make eating/cooking a priority in their lives, rather than looking at it as something to get through quickly, so they can get to other things. They arrived, armed with cookbooks, and they cooked some wonderful vegan menus....I can't tell you how helpful this was to me, to be eating new and delicious dishes, made right in my "challenged" kitchen, that they put together when I didn't even think there was time to think about cooking, etc. It was terrific....we had vegan chili, a dish with millet, fresh corn, pepper and cilantro--both yummy, especially served together! Also, broccoli with tempeh, crushed cilantro, cashews, limes, I'm not sure what else, but it was delish. And a quick and easy lunch of black beans, tomatoes, cilantro and avacado...really good. They left me with the leftovers...we so enjoyed them on Monday at Carole's house, while visiting with Katie, just back from Las Vegas. Even non-vegans thought it was great food....they got that right! It was a great lesson for me, watching them put these recipes together so easily....we ate on the porch and had fun enjoying all this food together. Maia ate everything we did and totally enjoyed it also...she is the best... At one point at the harbor, while walking by a small take-out place, she asked what they had there, and when I told her--hot dogs and hamburgers, she asked if they had things that are "healthy for our bodies". She's a rock star. K&K are going to send me the recipes they used and I will try to get them here on the website.

I am actually going to take my beach chair and my book and go to Long Beach later today and tomorrow---it's so easy, living on the coast, to take its beauty for granted. This is a most beautiful time of year here in the East...the light in the afternoon on the water is awesome. My boss is urging me to travel, see the world, and I so appreciate his generosity in allowing me to still work, but also urging me to play, while I'm still feeling good. I am planning a few short trips here and there to visit far-off friends, and a trip to NY city, and a bigger trip later, but I find it difficult to leave where I like it the best...my home, my environment, my everyday life. I've discovered through the years that I can be alone and at home and not be at all unhappy, in fact be quite happy and joyful...for this I am thankful. So instead of running away to see the world (although I'll do some of that), I'm going to, at long-last, do over my bedroom....it is a lovely room with 7 windows, 4 that give me a terrific view of the harbor and ocean...it's time to make it a really nice room with a real bed, instead of just a bedframe. I don't know what I've been waiting for--I've been in my house for 5 years now and haven't touched it....it's time, and I'm looking forward to it!

I have completed the 14 days of pills and 2 infusions (link to clinical trial details) and am on my "off" week now. I am feeling great, with no side effects...well, just a slight one--my tongue feels a little funny and it's making water taste funny, but that is disappearing now that I'm off the drugs for 7 days. So it is going well, I feel great....energized, happy, eating right, getting a little thinner....life is good.

Clinical Trial continues....

I had my second infusion on Tuesday, August 26th. It was uneventful, for which I am grateful. I saw the RNP who works with Dr. Michaelson first, and she was quite shocked at my complete lack of any side effects from the first week of medications...apparently, because I've started when I'm still feeling well, it makes a big difference. Some people start the trial when they are really sick and this just makes it worse. Anyway, it was a long day of waiting around. Really no after effects, other than I couldn't sleep that night. They gave me anti-nausea medication along with steroids to help it work better, and the steroids really must have hyped me up. Yikes....it was a long night. Today is Thursday, and while I slept great last night, my energy level is pretty low today....I think I need some protein....

Peggy and I played 4 games of Scrabble--we were at MGH for so long. She has a great little travel Scrabble...you can close it up and the letters stay put, move on to another appointment and start up where you left off...it was a great way to pass the time. I shouldn't complain about the waiting time....as I looked around the room on the 8th floor where the infusions are done, there were so many very sick people who were suffering, and on their way in to be given meds that were going to make them suffer even more, at least in the short term.

I am truly grateful that I am feeling so well. My sciatic nerve problem seems to be resolved, the weird pain in my side is gone, I am not having any side effects from the meds, my vegan eating plan is going well and I feel great. I keep telling them at MGH that they must have messed up on my diagnosis....I only wish...

Catching up.....

Well, I'm on day 4 of my clinical trial treatment. First day was okay, second night I couldn't sleep, which made for a very long next day....I was just out of it, neausea, tired and just weird feeling. I was at work and called it a day around 4:30pm. Today, I took the meds around 3pm, and tomorrow I'll take it in the evening, so that the crummy feeling will be while I'm asleep, instead of while I'm trying to function. I feel quite good today, my head is a bit fuzzy, but not too bad and I seem to have a lot of energy...that's a good thing.

That sciatic nerve problem....I was pretty uncomfortable just before Eagle Camp; my sister-in-law suggested a chiropractor, so I saw one the day before I left. He said that my sacriliac joint was inflamed and turned a bit, possibly from the surgery, and it was wreaking havoc on my sciatic nerve. He did a bunch of pulls and exercises and massages, told me to continue them at EC. He also said that driving long distances was the worst thing I could do, so he gave me some ice packs for the ride. He was a super guy....he has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. We chatted for quite awhile, and he invited me to go with him to Chinatown to see a man called Tom Tam, who is working with cancer patients, using Chinese techniques. It is on Saturdays, and I may go at some point, but not this week. My back felt much better the next morning and continued to feel good at EC. By the time I drove to CN and back to MA, it was totally acting up again and I was very uncomfortable on the day of my infusion at MGH. But I have been doing the exercises, and it seems to be better again.

I had my appointment with the MD/holistic oncologist just this past weekend. I drove to Litchfield, CN directly from South Hero, VT (Eagle Camp); Keith, Kristeen and Maia went home first (they are just 20 miles South of EC), unpacked, packed again and met me in Litchfield that evening. We stayed at a Bed & Breakfast in Litchfield...when I was able to get online for the first time in a week, I went the the NPR/MyCancer blog. Leroy Sievers had passed away the night before. I knew he was near the end...I was saddened. He is the one who has been writing a blog being published on NPR. He had colon cancer, had surgery and was clear for 4 1/2 years, when the scans showed that it had gone to his brain and lungs...they told him 3-6 months and he lived a full life for 33 months, writing a post in his blog every day. He was great. I didn't even know him, but I miss him.

We met with Malynn on Sunday morning for about 2 1/2 hours. She listened and took notes, made suggestions, answered many questions; in general kind of put all the pieces together for us. Later, we went to their home for dinner, where she made it a learning experience for us, using some unusual spices for an Indian stir-fry, and making a dessert that she actually has for breakfast, but she adapted it to have as dessert. Keith, Kristeen and Maia went back to the B&B and I stayed there for awhile and did some Imaging with Malynn. Then Ryan drove me back to the B&B. On Monday morning, we went back to their house and had our last session, where she had her conclusions and suggestions all written up for us. A lot of the food issues were similar to Chris Brown's, but I feel that I have a better understanding now, and she added to what I'm doing. She feels that I should have 2-3 eggs a week, which is fine by me--I love eggs, also that I can have ghee (Indian butter, where the butter is boiled and the most harmful part of the butter is taken off), that these would be good while on chemo. Our visit was very worthwhile. Malynn and Ryan are two of the most outstanding people I've ever met and I think that K&K felt the same way....just really unusually warm, friendly, smart, unassuming, confident but humble, just a unique combination. The time spent with them was truly amazing.

All right, I'm off to bed. It's Friday night, Brenda and Carole came down tonight and we walked the Harbor and stopped at the local Tavern, the Olympics are ending--they were so enjoyable, I got a lot done today at work and at my house, and I'm feeling good......I'll take it! One day at a time......

Clinical Trial begins...

Took off around 10am with Peg and headed for MGH. I had to get there early to sign the consent and then they had to get me registered. I had bloodwork done (they missed another vein--I guess my veins jump), saw Kara, the RNP, and Carol, who is an oncology nurse working on the trial, and said a brief hello to Dr. Michaelson, who, when he heard me say I had just returned from vacation, said, "you really are getting around, Italy, Lake Champlain...let me go and see my sick folks". A simple comment, suggesting that I'm not as sick, was comforting....he's good at that...they are all. It has been a positive of this whole thing, the outstanding and amazing people I have come in contact with. I am so appreciative and grateful for their being genuine, their warmth, and their patience. They are so smart and filled with knowledge and yet, are humble and unpretentious; constantly finding things to say that build you up and pick up your spirit...they do such honorable and difficult work...I am in awe of them all.

Before the infusion, I was weighed and measured...it turns out that they do this every time---it is how they measure my dose of chemo. They brought us back to a comfortable area with 4 areas separated by cubicle curtains and a very comfortable hospital-type lounge chair. There was also a TV. Once my fresh batch of Gemcitabine came from the pharmacy (45 minutes), the nurse gowned and gloved up (it's potent stuff) and reviewed and reviewed and reviewed, that I was the correct patient receiving the correct dose and medication. I appreciated that. The infusion took about 45 minutes, burned like crazy, and was finally done. I picture it now burning the bad cells right out of my body and off the face of the earth! I got unhooked and headed back to the office, took care of a couple of key things, packed up my computer and went home, not knowing how I was going to feel in the morning. I was having fairly severe stomach cramps, which continued through 9pm and then finally subsided. They had given my some anti-neausea pills before the infusion, so there was none of that. I think the cramps were from too much broccoli thoughout the day. Also, my back was a nightmare--the sciatic nerve problem again. More about that later.

Before departing MGH, they told me to do careful mouth care, but not see a dentist for teeth cleaning due to digging at the gums, etc., to do much hand-washing without going OCD, stay away from sick people, and all that, because my white blood cells will be decreased. That for the next 24 hours I might spike a fever, have flu-like symptoms, not be able to sleep, etc. Once home, I was really tired, still trying to get my house in order from returning from Eagle Camp, finally made it to bed by 11 and had no problems. Slept great, felt great. I took my pill dosage this morning, had breakfast and headed off to the office. I have a big deadline this week, so I really need to be here, and I should be here, because I feel great!

So....I'm on the clinical trial...keep the good karma coming my way that this is going to give me some extra time to hang around...I quite like it!

Eagle Camp 2008

I’m on vacation at Eagle Camp…on the Grand Isle in the middle of Lake Champlain. I’ve been coming here for 27 years, have missed maybe 3 during those years. Hmmmm, how to describe Eagle Camp, a place that defies description…Well, it’s been around since 1890, having been a Boy Scout Camp, a family Christian camp, and I’m not sure what else. But during the years, traditions were established and those standards still apply, even though times have certainly changed in the last118 years in the way we live our lives.

Camp runs for 9 weeks every summer. I go on week 8, and all the folks here are week 8ers also, so we know each other for this one week of the year, every year (except our families, of course). There is no dress code here, no competing for “stylin”…it’s shorts, t-shirts, sweatshirts, old jeans. EC’s motto is, Style is Dead, Comfort is King, and we all seem to take that to heart. The usual full camp is around 128+ people, and they include all ages, from brand new babies to elderly folks who have come for 50+ years and still make that effort to get back to their beloved Eagle Camp.

There is a tournament sign-up sheet posted on Sunday afternoon, and then on Monday--let the games begin. The tournament games include shuffleboard, bocce, golf-croquet, scrabble, ping pong, cribbage, backgammon, horseshoes (my brother wins this every year), trivial pursuit (teams), and a few others that I can’t think of. You make arrangements with your opponents, play the game and post it on the game grid, and the next winners play and so on—by Friday night, the games are finished and awards are given at the Camp Show. There are also two tennis courts here that get some use, but tennis is not usually a tournament game—tennis is awfully competitive for Eagle Camp…

Eagle Camp sits right on Lake Champlain, it consists of a combination of cabins and 12X12 platform tents. Beds, mattresses, bureaus and bedding are supplied. It consists of the Upper Tent Line and a Lower Tent Line, both include cabins also. I stay on the Lower Tent Line, which is right on the edge of the lake. I look out my tent flap and see the lake and the Adirondacks directly across the lake, where the sun sets each evening. After arrival and greeting friends that you haven’t seen in a year, and family, the car gets unpacked and parked in the lot up the hill and away from the tents and cabins. This is Northern Vermont and one must pack for all eventualities--intense heat, quite chilly to downright cold, rain and the dreaded mud. Meals are supplied and eaten at the Dining Hall at 8am, 1pm and 6pm. A bugle boy wakes us up at 7am playing reveille, then a reminder at 7:30, and we’re off to breakfast. Oatmeal, prunes, OJ, eggs, muffins, cereal are the standard fare, but there are variations during the week. Lunch is actually dinner, the big meal of the day, kind of like an old-fashioned Sunday dinner, but every day of the week. The menu stays pretty much the same and we know what dinner (at 1pm) will be—one day chicken, potatoes, veggies, salad, and the other days it’s meatloaf, ham, pork, etc. The bugle boy plays a little tune (never differing) that tells us when to go to the dining room (as if we’d forget!) The dining room is…rustic, eight large tables with 16 per table with large windows overlooking the lake and the mountains on one side. My niece Courtney is on the waitstaff this year and scored us a lakeside table. She rocks! Supper is a lighter fare, grinders, spaghetti and meat sauce (remember that meatloaf? leftovers are in the meat sauce), tuna salad, ham salad, bread, salad, etc. There is never a shortage of food, most of which is pretty good. There is usually something going on in the evening—Sunday night hymn sing, bingo, tie-dyed t-shirts, scavenger hunt, ultimate frisbee, outside concert on Thursday nights down at the Snowflake Vineyard...or just hanging out, watching some of the tournaments is pretty fun. Sometimes we do a group game in one of the tents after dark...25 Words or Less is a favorite. Taps is played at 10:30pm and quiet time is until 7am, when the bugle boy arrives again.

As I drive into EC every year, nothing seems to have changed…it looks exactly the same, although improvements are made and maintenance has been done, flowers, trees, etc., planted and trimmed, but overall, it just feels the same year after year, which is so great. I always have the same tent, #9, right on the lake. The food issues this year are a concern, because there is no supermarket on the Grand Isle, just little corner stores. I have brought a few things from home, I know that they have veggie burgers, and salads, oatmeal, of course, and I will just make it work. When I arrive to Saturday night dinner, at my table of 16 (all family/extended family), my sister-in-law, Andrea, had secretly set up an entire vegan meal for us all! They had all brought crockpots and salads chock full of wonderful foods that I could eat…I have never eaten so well! And there were leftovers that we have been enjoying too. My daughter-in-law brought many vegan dishes that we have been enjoying also, so yummy!…today is Monday and between the meal on Saturday night and all the food that Kristeen prepared, Carole, Mandy, Kristeen, Keith and I have been eating and enjoying…it has been another eye-opener showing the great food that is out there and is vegan. It’s really astonishing…they made it so easy and I am grateful for their efforts. The day that we all leave for our vacations at EC is a hectic day, and their day had added chaos with all that food preparation...I was touched by their love and support in the challenges of sticking with my eating plan at EC.

Eagle Camp has rules and traditions and they are strictly adhered to…Sunday is a day of rest and there are no games (noisy games) until after 3pm. Rest hour is every day from 2pm-3pm, and most folks nap during that time. No cell phones, computer games, radios, video games, etc; cell phones can be used up behind Perry Hall only, otherwise they should remain off. If you have a noisy child during rest hour, take him off-camp, so that others can enjoy their rest hour. Alcohol is prohibited. No bike riding in camp, take your bike up the hill before you ride it. Notify your waitress if you won’t be there for a meal. Eagle Camp is steeped in tradition. It’s great. Three words that describe Eagle Camp for me are...tradition, comfort, peace. It is quiet here and life slows down...we chat, read, have solace or not...sometimes a group of us might spend an hour watching little kids play together and are totally enthralled by them...EC is a special place.

Alright, I may not be able to post this, as it seems that I cannot get online up here...I have written it as a Word document and will post as soon as I can.

MGH....fighting the fight

Hospitals are places that most of us pass by, maybe daily, not really thinking too much about them, because, hopefully most of the time we don't need their services...of course the same can be said for many things--we pass by the electric lighting store all the time, but suddenly when we need a new light fixture, we are thrust into the world of lighting and we learn and gather information. And such is the case with hospitals...but in the case of hospitals, we hope that we won't be stopping there.

My point is...it's becoming so routine for me to run into MGH--too routine for my taste, but--what can you do...thank goodness there are such fantastic institutions around to help us when our good health fails us. I know my way around MGH now and the Yawkey Cancer Center, not accomplishments I aspired to. Each time I'm there, reality sets in...it's way easier when you're away from there and working/playing in your usual environment, to put that culprit away and not think about it too much, but when there, it becomes very real and very scary.

Yesterday, I went in for the remainder of the testing...nuclear cardiology--they withdrew some of my blood, mixed it with a radioactive material, injected it back into me and then pictures were taken of my heart, the goal being to make sure my heart can withstand the clinical trial drugs. I passed that one the last time I had it, so I'm pretty sure I passed it this time. Then I had bloodwork and an EKG, and hopefully all is well there, but I think it is. I didn't see Dr. Michaelson, but instead met with his RNP, Kara--and Carol, the gal who works with the clinical study. They had the results of the CT scan that I had on Monday and there is no problem with anything disturbing the sciatic nerve...I was so glad to hear that...I guess I'm just having a sciatic nerve episode again. The other findings were that the lymph nodes have gotten bigger. Kara said that they are not "marching" along, but are "creeping steadily, letting us know that they're there". While I had hoped that they had stayed the same size, at least they were not growing at a super-aggressive rate. They are also looking at an enlarged node in my neck...I feel like a time bomb, ticking..ticking..ticking.

Kara and Carol were great--they told me that they are so on my side in this fight, that they will be there for me for anything I need, or to answer any questions. I told them that I'm not giving up, that the fight has just begun, and they totally agreed and told me that there are so many things happening in cancer research--the longer I stick around, the better the chances are that there will be more options coming for RCC. I told them that I am now eating a vegan diet, and that I'm meeting with a holistic oncologist in the next couple of weeks. They were thrilled that I am doing everything that I possibly can on my end and were very encouraging. We hugged and said our goodbyes...these women are so compassionate and warm...their job is a difficult one. I am so grateful to have them fighting the fight with me....

Early CT scan...

I had a CT scan yesterday...was supposed to have it on Thursday along with some other tests, in preparation for my clinical study, but the sciatic nerve pain was so bothersome that I decided to call and at least get that done earlier, so that they can look and see if there's anything going on--before I go to Eagle Camp. I'll have the rest of the testing done on Thursday, as well as seeing Dr. Michaelson. It was a contrast CT scan which means I had to drink two of the yummy (not) contrast drinks. By the time I left there, I felt really horrible....so bloated and uncomfortable, along with the sciatica problem. YIKES, I felt like a physical wreck. It was a long night, taking a long time for that bloated feeling go away--my gut felt as if there was a battle going on in there. I was in bed by 8:15 and got a few hours of good sleep, then the sciatic pain woke me up again...it is just relentless and is impossible to get comfortable. The good news is that I feel good today, the war in my gut has ended and the sciatic pain has been much less today, almost (dare I say it?) non-existent. I don't really know why, but there it is, and I'll go with that. More tests on Thursday and news on the CT scan...now that I feel better, I feel more hopeful that the sciatic thing is just that, a flare-up that comes and goes...gone would be good!

Happiness is....

I went to Vermont this weekend...again! Who can get enough of spending time with my darling grandchild, Maia...I left on Friday and came home tonight. Actually, the Eliason's, my daughter-in-law's family, were here from Utah for the week, and I wanted to catch a visit with them--they are just the best people. How fortunate is my son to--not only have married Kristeen, but also to have inherited her entire family who love him unconditionally. We went to Shelbourne Farm where the 4 little cousins saw 7 brand new piglets, learned how to milk a goat, petted some cows and spent some joyful hours together. Later, we all went to the Vermont State Fair about 40 minutes North of Burlington. They went on some of the rides, won some prizes, petted more cows and had a grand time. I love watching little kids together...and these are 4 very darling little children, Madison, Alex, Maia and Lane. Today, we went to the Farmer's Market on Church Street in Burlington...they splashed in the fountain, we shopped around; then I took off to do a couple of errands and headed home.

I also spent a couple of hours last night with my niece Courtney, who is on the waitstaff at Eagle Camp for the summer, up on the Grand Isle of Lake Champlain. My sisters and I dropped her off 6 weeks ago, and now she seems like a different person...so poised, confident, making decisions about her future. What an experience this has been for her at Eagle Camp! She has worked 7 days a week, with only 1 day off so far, has made lifelong friends, is making great money that she doesn't have time to do anything with, other than to bank it...she has had a wonderful experience...I am so happy for her. It was so fun listening to her excitement, realizing how she has grown up just in these past few weeks...she's the best.

When I arrived in Plymouth, I came into my house and immediately opened the back porch door to let in some air. Soon, it started pouring rain and as I stood on the porch and looked out towards the ocean, the smell of the salt water and air was overwhelming...it almost felt as if I was on the beach. It was fresh, salty, moist, foggy, damp, wet...all of that, and I wanted to bottle it...it was so great. It made me realize that I am happy...in spite of what is going on. Maybe I am compartmentalizing or partitioning or whatever (denial??), but really, I am not dwelling on my situation (all right, maybe sometimes), and am doing the things I have always done that bring me joy....and that is just everyday living--spending time with my family, extended family, and friends, lots of laughing and again realizing that joy, for me, is simplicity...

Scan week is...next week at MGH

I think I have it figured out....the pain in my back/side. It's the sciatic nerve, I'm pretty sure. During one of times that my back went out--about 10 years ago, at that time I also had a problem with the sciatica and had it X-rayed. I was seeing a chiropractor at the time, and he told me that I had arthritis in the sciatica. Maybe it's bothering me again because of the damp and outright rainy weather we've been having lately....hmmmm, well today was dry and beautiful and it is acting up again. The worst of it is when I'm trying to sleep, it seems to rear it's ugly head...there is absolutely no position in bed that is comfortable. Aspirin has helped, but I am trying to not be popping them constantly.

Next week is Scan week...I am seeing Dr. Michaelson, having a CT scan, a visit to the nuclear cardiology lab for a scan, bloodwork and an EKG. I just hope that I pass them all this time. I am a little anxious about the CT scan, wondering if it will show how aggressive or not aggressive this is going to be...and also hoping that this pain in my back/side area is not anything unexpected. Well, next Thursday will be here soon enough...

Last night I watched the special on the life of Randy Pausch...full of child-like enthusiasm for...life! It was so inspiring and moving, he was a very special person, very thoughtful about having fun, living life to the fullest....at one point he said, "Someone’s going to push my family off a cliff pretty soon and I won’t be there to catch them and that breaks my heart. But I have some time to sew some nets to cushion the fall so that seems like the best and highest use of my time and I better get to work". He was remarkable....

A life well lived....

Randy Pausch died on Friday...he was the professor at Carnegie Mellon University who gave a lecture, his last lecture, back shortly after he'd been told that he only had a few months to live, having just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I have followed his story and listened to his talk....he did the lecture for his kids, who are 2, 4 and 6...it was videotaped for them to listen to in future years, and many friends and collegues gathered to listen. They gave him a 4 minute ovation before he even started. He was so highly thought of in his profession in computer science, that during his tenure at CMU, his students would bring their friends and even their parents to listen to him lecture....he was beloved. If you have a few minutes, click on to the link and listen to the extraordinary way Randy Pausch viewed life, love, relationships and living. Get the tissues ready....

Options...no cures

Keith and I met with Dr. Michaelson yesterday. It was fantastic having Keith there with me...he had questions that I didn't really know the answers to, and it was nice to have him be able to speak with Dr. Michaelson directly about his concerns. And...we got to have lunch afterwards in Boston, very fun spending time with my darling son. I feel sorrow that he and Kristeen and Heather and Ralph have to be dealing with this, at the same time, I am so grateful for their encouragement and their caring ways.

We review the options for treatment...(1) do nothing, sit back and wait, and then start treatment when there is a resurgence, (2) start the standard treatment of "chemo", with the drugs Sutant and Torisel, or (3) go on the clinical trial with the drugs Sutant and Gemcitabine. We immediately knock out the option of waiting...then talk at length about the other two options. Dr. Michaelson admits his bias in wanting me to go on the clinical trial...he is running this clinical trial. He explains that clinical trials come and go, they help research as well as potentially helping the patient, that it is totally up to me. He gives us a baseball analogy that makes sense, that doing this clinical trial is like having an extra "at bat". That sounds right to us. He explains that the side effects have not been too bad for the patients currently participating in the trial, and that I will be watched carefully; that at any point, if there is a problem, I can be taken off the trial and put on the standard treatment. Keith has questions and Dr. M. spends close to an hour with us going over everything. He makes it clear that, whatever the decision is, it will not be a cure, that it will not make me feel better, in fact, will most likely make me feel not so good.

The obvious choice seems to us...to do the clinical trial. Once that decision is made, I say that I would like to start ASAP. I will have to do the testing again...CT scans, bloodwork, nuclear cardiology, bone scan. The medication will be 15 days on, then a week off, then starts again for another 15 days, a week off and so on. It will be pills, with the exception of Day 1 and Day 8 of each treatment cycle, when it will be by infusion at MGH. I ask that we start the testing immediately so that I can start the medication before I go on vacation....and maybe have that vacation week as the "no meds" week. Keith and I tell Dr. Michaelson that we just don't want the cancer to get a foothold---let's start right away....he puts his hand on my shoulder, looks me in the eye and gently says, "it already has a foothold....go on vacation and we'll start immediately after you return".

Slam! Reality! There it is again...sometimes I think I'm in denial about all this...and I know it's because I feel totally fine. I'm involved in my care, my diet, etc., and being focused on this helps keep the "dark side" at bay, so much so that I seem to be functioning pretty normally. Then I get the "slam", and reality hits. Of course, Dr. Michaelson is being truthful and real, and I so appreciate this and his kindness...it is what I want and expect. But, while I need to know the harsh realities of cancer (his job to tell me), I also need to have hope and believe that I can fight (my job) in every way I can to keep it dormant and prolong the harshness of this disease for as long as possible. And....I'm taking my job very seriously...

a busy week...

Wow, it's already been a week since I last wrote...have spent some time organizing my cabinets and finding jars for all the "new" stuff I'm putting into my system. Today, I'm actually going to cook some stuff to have on hand...it's been such a crazy week, that I haven't been able to do that as yet. I'm going to make some macaroni and cheese...vegan style. It doesn't have a bit of cheese or dairy in it and has gotten rave reviews online. It's called Mac-Oh, Geez...I just have to try it. Also, Beet and Carrot Salad, Millet Loaf, and Japanese Fried Rice. I want to have stuff available to take to work for lunches. I've been doing fine...have been having steamed veggies, fruits, and salads, but I need to take advantage of all that is available in "veganworld". It's quite amazing.



















This weekend I went to Vermont and spent the weekend with Keith, Kristeen and Maia. K&K were hard at work on throwing an informal garden wedding reception for their friends, Abe and Liz. It started at 4pm on Saturday, so it was a very busy day getting ready and setting up. Maia and I were the errand-girls...I took her to lunch at Healthy Living, where she ordered Kale ("I love Kale!" she said), brown rice, fresh green beans and tofu...wow, what an example she is for me! The party was wonderful...there was a local band who set up on their front porch (one of the band members is a guidance counselor at Kristeen's school), and Keith played his guitar with them for a couple of tunes...a very fun opportunity for him (and for us!) which he totally loved and he sounded fantastic!




















It was great fun. Lots of good food, and yes---there was plenty that I could eat. Three of the little girls at the party, including Maia, were the little "groupies". They danced the night away, so darn cute.

Keith got chatting with a guest the next morning, a friend of Abe's, and found out that his wife has a holistic/nutrition clinic in Litchfield, Connecticut. He is not involved with it, but still passed on some hints, for instance---I should be guzzling green tea as much as possible. I am going to get in touch with her, and we may go down for a weekend to meet with her...information is knowledge, knowledge is power....the more the better.

I'm seeing Dr. Michaelson, the oncologist, tomorrow. Keith is coming down from Vermont to be there also, I am really happy that he is coming...he has raised questions that need to be explored. He is better able to intellectualize this stuff and will be a great help in deciding the next step. I am leaning towards starting the clinical trial, but whichever route I take, I want to get started.

A plant-based diet...the vegan thing

I met with Chris Brown on Saturday morning for 3 hours...she was a wealth of information. I have been, since speaking on the phone with her about 3+ weeks ago, pretty much trying to do the vegan thing...and I've been pretty successful (with the exception of Italia), having given up meat, fowl, fish, and all dairy, trying to eat green, green, green, working on eating all totally plant based foods. I was able to "get through it", suddenly not having butter on veggies, having a milk substitute on my totally unsweetened oatmeal...it's been pretty sparse, but I did it, though food was tasting bland and boring, no longer a comfort and a joy.

Meeting with Chris totally opened my eyes to the incredible variety of plant based foods available. I was in Burlington, VT over the weekend and we shopped at an incredible store called "Healthy Living" (although, apparently the locals call it "Wealthy Living", since your wallet is pretty much emptied by the time you walk out the door, with very few bags, but a hefty receipt); and started shopping for some of the things that Chris recommended. Today, I continued at Whole Foods, this time with a list put together from her suggestions and recipes. Peg and I were there for two hours, locating things we'd never heard of and didn't really even know their category...it was kind of like shopping when you've moved into your first apartment--starting from scratch. Got home and started cleaning out the cabinets, which I'd done a few weeks ago, giving away and tossing some stuff, but now I'm serious. Pretty much everything that is not vegan, plant based, healthy....is gone. My kitchen is pretty much a disaster at the moment, but this too shall pass.

The diet that Chris suggested for me is vegan--totally plant based, but also based on the fact that I have kidney cancer, so may not necessarily make sense to you if you don't have that culprit in your life. I am totally on board with her recommendations and am off and running. A few of her suggestions: flaxseed oil and flaxseeds every day, at least one brazil nut every day, miso soup or tea every day, greens at every meal, including breakfast, trying to balance alkaline and acidic, leaning much more heavily toward the alkaline, no peanut butter, no raw mushrooms or raw broccoli...those are just a few of her recommendations. It will be a bit of a challenge to incorporate all of these, but this is the route I'm going to follow. Chris showed me enough variety to make it interesting and delicious and therefore, sustainable...

It feels a bit daunting and I can't help but wonder if it's too late to make all of these changes...but I'm going for it anyway. It feels pretty weird that through the years, so many times I've tried different diets, mostly for weight control, and haven't really been able to be successful, just haven't have the stamina, the commitment, the perseverence to make it work...and have failed most times, to meet my goal. This time...it just feels different--almost as if I've "flipped a switch" and will be able to do this without a lot of fuss. Weight control seems unimportant now, life is taking me down a road that I'd rather not travel...it feels that making this change in my lifestyle is not really a choice, but a change that may prolong my life...a worthwhile endeavor for me to undertake. Wish me luck...

Sunrise in Plymouth...

It's Friday morning, the sun is shining, the air feels crisp...I was up at 5am...restless. I put on my robe and went out on the porch, huddled under my Red Sox quilt and watched the sun come up over the harbor. The colors and the light were so beautiful...just an awesome time of day to soak it all in. Spent a little time feeling sorry for myself (again), read for awhile, and now am getting on with the new day...feeling better, and once again, grateful for this little spot in the world.

Home from Italy....back to reality...

What a fun and fantastic trip we had...it felt as if we lived and were actual residents of Florence while we were there. Lots of great food in little cafes tucked away or right out in the midst of Italian life. It didn't matter, it was all great for relaxing, conversing, people-gazing and all that fun stuff. We did side trips to Rome, Venice and Siena, walking until we thought our feet would fall off. It's hard to believe that one week ago today, we were standing in the Vatican.

Now it's back to reality. I'm seeing Chris Brown, the nutritionist, on Saturday morning. I did not stay vegan in Italy, but I'm totally back on track now. I believe she is going to put me on a highly alkaline diet...I've done a little research on that and wow, the acidic list is full of the things I seem to like....oh well....I'll wait to see what she comes up with. I definitely need some direction from someone knowledgeable.

I have had a persistant ache on my right side for the past 2-3 days...I think it's just muscular, from sleeping wrong or something, but it's peculiar how every little thing now becomes a slight concern--before this diagnosis I might not have given it a thought. I really don't like being afraid of the little aches and pains, but my perspective is just different now, not in a good way. There is fear of the unknown, not that any of us has a crystal ball of what the future holds, but with cancer, I do know that the unknown is, most likely, not going to be rosy. I guess I'll take some aspirin for now...

Independence Day....2008

Greetings again from Italia....spent the day in yesterday in Rome, we are very proud of ourselves for being able to get ourselves around from point A to point B.....we are good. Spent a lot of time at the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel, went to the Roman Forum and the Colosseum, traveled around the city on a tour bus and experienced Roma. Another very hot day, this traveling is exhausting....I may be older than my sisters, but they're having to keep up with me, not the other way around! Tomorrow we are off to Venice, taking the early train and coming back in the evening. We're in Italy....we have to experience Venice.....Italy is wonderful, but today is the 4th of July....we are all dressed in red, white and blue and remembering where we are from....

Buongiorno from Italia....

Arrived in Florence at 2:05pm on Sunday, June 29th as promised....without Brenda and Carole's lugguage, C's arrived on Monday, B's on Tuesday. I lucked out, only had a carry-on. Katie met us at the airport and we bused it to our hotel, which is 94 steps up to the attic...we actually quite love it, although it's a bit warm...they frown on keeping the AC on (which is quite meager to begin with) during the day if you are not there....wasteful Americanos. We have walked at least 75 miles per day (well, maybe not quite that many) and are having a blast. Are partaking of life in Florence. Have been to the Uffizi Gallery, the PonteVechio, the Duoma, St. Lorenzo Marketplace, Boboli Gardens, outdoor concerts, many great cafes, many great conversations. Yesterday we went to Siena, the day before the Palio, and it was the best....great scenes, sights, smells and sounds.....tomorrow we are off to Rome, off to the Tuscan countryside on Friday and Venice on Saturday. Hopefully San Gemeniano on Sunday. We are having the best time. Did I say that it is 100+ degrees here? Even at night, as I sit writing this, the sweat is pouring down my face. It is 10:15pm, the heat is relentless. Katie is great, doing fantastic with her Italian, loving it here in Florence, although her program is a disappointment that we're collectively working on....all right, off to the shower, if you can call it that....barely able to fit a leg in....and it floods all over the place....well, the room was a "bargain". Keith, Heather, no phone service here for my phone, and Brenda's has "burned" out, can't charge it. Hope all is well!

...have I told you?

Many thanks to all who have written an email, blogged a comment, called on the phone, and all those face to face chats...it truly makes me feel so cared for, loved, and so much less alone in dealing with this culprit. I don't even know who some of the blogged comments are from (who are you?), but all are so appreciated!

We're off to Italy in a few hours...blissfully putting aside this "illness" (thankfully, I don't feel ill), and concentrating only on seeing and feeling the beauty of Italy with my sisters and nieces.

Arrivederci....for now!

believe...hope...putting on the boxing gloves

OK, it's a new day. I'm feeling much better today. Spent some time feeling sorry for myself, but I think I'm entitled. Now, it's onward and upward, time to get a grip and get back to work...there is much to do to get battle-ready. My eating vegan is going great, but I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants, so to speak. When I get back from Italy (we are leaving on Saturday, June 28) I will decide what my treatment will be, I will meet with the nutritionist and will get more structured and find out exactly what I'm doing. Until then, I am doing my own thing, but all healthy, all the time. Oops, just remembered a couple of things I haven't been doing, but I am well on my way with going GREEN. I even had steamed spinach for breakfast. Food has taken on a different role for me now....no longer do I yearn for, or crave things. It has become something to put into my body that will help me fight off and wrestle to the ground the bad cells. That may be naive, but I don't care...it is how I am able to do this. This may not be a cure, but it sure can't hurt me. I guess it just feels good to be doing something....

.....no surprises

I felt sad for Dr. Michaelson...he spends a good part of each day giving news that is, many times, not such good news...and such is the case today. Not really a surprise, because at my last visit with him, he had barely left the door open a crack the the news would be anything but not good. Anyway, the short of it is that the cancer is in the lymph nodes, I move to stage 4, and we see how aggressive or non-aggressive this will be. My options are to go on a clinical study--no placebo, I would definitely be getting the drugs, or start "chemo" (not really chemo, but similar I guess, not nearly as awful), or wait and start treatment when I develop definite symptoms. I guess, since I feel physically great, he really hates to make me start feeling not so good with the chemo. My feeling, at the moment, is to go on the clinical trial. If something starts looking like there's a metastasis, then they'll start the treatment. Or I can start it now....hard to know what to do. He said that some people psychologically can't handle the waiting, they just want to start. I asked him what he would do, and he said there is no correct answer, but that he'd wait to do the chemo. I told him he was biased because he is running the clinical trial, and he admitted that he was biased but he gets no money from the drug companies, etc., he would wait.

I'm at the office right now, and am heading home. It's been a difficult afternoon, my co-workers are the best...I guess I need to go home and think about this and my options. Even though I was "prepared", I guess you can never really be totally prepared. I'm a little low, and my sweet little home in Plymouth is calling me....

off to MGH

My appointment is this morning with Dr. Michaelson at MGH. My sisters are going with me. I can't help but think back to my last visit with him and the emotional roller coaster I was on for the hours and days following that visit. I was not in good shape, but once I pulled myself together, I have tried not to look back, but concentrate on the fact that I feel great--and I am working on getting my diet and exercise in a good place...those are the physical things I can do. After reading about and watching the TV coverage on the life of Tim Russert, who seemed to find time to be caring, patient, kind and so many other things--it honestly made me feel as if I want and need to do better in the way I live my everyday life. I guess I just need to have some control somewhere...so, there are many things to strive for. Ok, I'm off to MGH.

what about this BEvegan thing...

I sit on my back porch with my computer on my lap (it's so nice that there is a plug out there) or in my living room...searching the internet, researching that information, reading info that people have so thoughtfully sent to me, trying to learn more about renal cell carcinoma and its treatment. The searching leads me to both allopathic and homeopathic sites, suggestions, stories and hope. Some of the sites tell me that there will be statistical data, that I should be prepared. I haven't pushed that "open" button yet...

I have to address my diet...following surgery I lost about 17 pounds and have gained back about 10+. Once I could eat again, the floodgates opened and I ate anything and everything...what am I thinking? I learn from Robin, Mandy and Kristen of a woman in Rhode Island, Chris Brown--Robin and Kristen have taken a cooking class with her...she is also a nutritional consultant, including consulting and working with folks who have just received a diagnosis of heart disease or cancer. I call her and have a brief conversation and agree that we will discuss this further in a few days, when I am not driving. When we reconvene on the phone, I reluctantly tell her about my diet...suffice it to say, it doesn't include many "greens", and Chris Brown at The Natural Choice is, well--to put it simply, appalled.....well, don't forget, she is a vegan!! She tells me that, with my diagnosis, I need to go off sugar, dairy, meat and fish...that I must increase eating vegtables, especially spinach, broccoli, bok choy, collard greens, kale--the greener the better. She tells me that certain foods actually help cancer to thrive, and others fight it off. We decide that we will meet in person for a 3-hr consult on July 12th, after I return from Italy, when she will have a specific diet plan for my circumstances, one that will by PH balanced, heavier on the alkaline rather than acidic, and will be.....vegan.

After my conversation with Chris, I very quickly decide that I am not going to put another thing in my mouth that will be enabling the cancer to thrive...of course I want to starve it and enhance my immune system to help me out. I cannot wait until July 12th--I need to start the process now.

I am 6 days into this, and so far it has been fairly easy and I feel great. Confession, I have not given up the coffee with its "enhancements" as yet, but when we leave for Italy, this will go. I am eating oatmeal..not sweetened, salads without cheese or other no-no additions, light vinegrets for dressings, lots of green veggies, brown rice, beans. I am realizing that I'm actually not eating enough, I need to increase the volume. I have found, at this point anyway, that it is mind over matter, and my mind is winning. I'm off to a great start...